WHAT TO DO WITH THE JERKS IN YOUR LIFE God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (Reinhold Niebuhr) Don’t you just love thoughtless people? Don’t rude people simply make your day? These are people you love to hate. And there seems to be no end of them. My patient, Bob, was meeting them all over. He described them in detail and with great angst. One week it was business people not calling him back even when they assure you they will. Another week it was “civil servants who frustrate me to no end”. Then there were the jerks he encountered in traffic: people cutting him off or butting into a long line; aggressive drivers; cars weaving lanes because the drivers are on cell phones; people throwing litter out of car windows. Another thing that bugged him was grocery shoppers with 20 items standing in the Express Line! He said “It drives me crazy. I get so fed up with these people. I want to be the sheriff and clean things up”. All these complaints sounded valid. I listened, empathized and validated his feelings. (I even felt like volunteering for his posse!) But his upset continued. I felt I had to offer him something more. The more we dwell on little things or other people’s behavior (especially those we can’t change) the more stressed we get. It becomes a vicious cycle. So what’s the solution? Expressing your feelings is a healthy way to deal with stress as long as it doesn’t go on too long. As he put it, “I’m looking for someone to listen and tell me that what I’m feeling is normal.” However, venting only takes you so far. At one point, Bob told me that complaining was getting him nowhere. He then made a profound statement, reflecting a basic principle of stress mastery: “You can’t change these people. I’m the one who has to change”. Understanding what’s behind your upset can be revealing and helpful. I asked him why these people bothered him so much. “What if everybody did that? What kind of a society would it be?” It also rubbed against his belief system. “I was brought up to not do that. It’s not right. It’s not civil. It’s rude”. He also felt that, if he said nothing, he was condoning their behavior and letting them get away with it. This touches on a wider societal issue: an apparent increase in rudeness and incivility, a general lack of decorum and disrespect for authority. A recent magazine article identified three leading causes of incivility: • The feeling of anonymity that modern society provides us. Quoting Pier Massimo Forni, a leading authority on civility, the article notes that our world has become faster, secular and wired. “People have lost personal connection to other people, and some of the societal controls that neighborhoods and close-knit communities used to provide is falling away.” • Stress. When people are stressed, they’re less mindful of their behavior, more likely to be angry, and either unaware or uncaring about how it affects others. • Narcissism. People are more self-absorbed and less sensitive and considerate of others. Professor Forni feels that one of the root causes of this is the “supersized doses of self-esteem that we have fed our children”. What can we do about this – individually and as a society? First, we can start speaking up about it. It really does take a village to raise a child. Without being too intrusive, we can supply feedback when people step out of line. We can label their behavior as unacceptable or offensive and diplomatically make suggestions for improvement. (Don’t expect them to thank you for your concern or hug you with gratitude!) This doesn’t suggest you take on bullies or assume the role of morality cop. But, by gently reflecting back poor behavior, we might occasionally wake some people up. Collectively, we can make a difference. Another remedy is education. Schools and workplaces can help to refocus on values and personal relationships, manners and etiquette. In fact, more companies are presenting courses on these very topics. In most cases, we can’t change other people, especially strangers. So getting back to Bob, how can we reduce our own stress in reaction to their behavior? • Realistic expectations. Accept that you can’t change the world by yourself. We have to pick our battles and recognize when things are beyond our control. • Understand the cause of the behavior. Some people are just arrogant or have a feeling of entitlement. But often there are other circumstances to consider. When people are stressed, hurried or preoccupied, they may unwittingly behave badly. (We’ve all had temporary lapses and done our own jerk routine). Try to understand where they’re coming from. Be more tolerant. This is not condoning their behavior, It is accepting that, in a world where many people are feeling lonely, angry and frustrated, their behavior will reflect that. Most people are more sad than bad. • Coping statements. Bob said: “Maybe I should be grateful I was brought up in a generation with feelings of respect, order and personal responsibility” He reminded himself that many people haven’t been taught to behave in respectful ways. “That’s life, it’s their loss,” he said. • Some people just don’t get it. They’re clueless about their behavior and how it affects others. Roger Mellott, a therapist in Louisiana, coined one of my favorite phrases: “You cannot enlighten the unconscious.” You can save yourself a lot of time and frustration by ignoring their behavior and recognizing that you’ll never get through to them. Until the day when everyone abides by the golden rule, we’ll just have to live in the real world and learn to handle our stress and their behavior. If nothing else, folks sure are interesting!