THE BELIEFS THAT RUN OUR LIVES You can rewrite the script    Call it “benign neglect.”  A woman was writing a monthly report.  It was time-consuming and often put her under pressure.  One month she decided, as an experiment, to not write the report and just see if anyone noticed.  They didn’t. She didn’t write it the next month. No one commented.   Even after 6 months, nothing was said.  She finally realized that she’d been doing an unnecessary task for several years based on the premise that “I have to do this”.  She had never questioned it. Call this one “self-sabotage.”  I've been playing tennis since I was 12.  Somehow I developed a curious notion: that if my first serve wasn't good but I could hit my second serve right away, it usually went in.  Conversely, if there was any interruption between serves, my second serve would not go in and I'd double fault.  Then, as if by design, that's exactly what happened over and over again until I expected it.  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. These two stories have something in common.  They illustrate the power of beliefs to run our lives.  But what are beliefs?  And why are they so powerful? Beliefs are premises and assumptions that we hold as objective truths. They relate to how the world works (e.g. work should come before pleasure; life should be fair);  how people should behave (e.g. people should be on time; men shouldn’t cry)  and “facts” about ourselves (e.g.  I’m always late; If people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me.) We hold our beliefs to be The Truth – so they become The Truth for us. They are the rules and regulations we live by.  Take the macho work culture.  Ask workaholics why they work such long hours and they’ll say things like: “You have to work hard to get ahead”, “It means I’m tough”, “It shows that I’m important”.   More hidden thoughts driving this behavior might include “I have to prove myself”, “Working long hours is a badge of honor”,  “My father told me I’d never amount to anything – I’m gonna show him!” Beliefs are usually subconscious, unstated, hidden from view, making them more powerful because they are less open to questioning and examination.  In one of my seminars, I asked how many people felt comfortable going out for a walk or bike ride on a summer evening before they wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen?  Not many hands went up.  I asked, “Why is that?”  One woman blurted out.  “My house has to be clean before I can enjoy myself.”  She was shocked as soon as she said it.  She hadn’t realized that belief was there until she said it out loud.  But it was quietly running a part of her life, leading her to take better care of her house than of her own needs.      What are the rules and personal policies that run your life?  That you have to check your e-mail before you go to bed?  That you have to shave every day?  One of mine is that you shouldn’t phone people before 9 AM or after 10 PM because (I believe) that it’s inconsiderate.  I don’t watch television or do pleasure reading during weekdays – (I believe) that’s only for evenings and weekends.   Do you see how specific these self-imposed “rules” can be?   Whenever you hear yourself say “should, shouldn’t, must, have to” or “need to”, you’re usually articulating a belief. A lot of beliefs are self-limiting.   Most start with “I can’t”: I can’t do PowerPoint,  I can’t learn to drive gear-shift , I can’t remember names.   The result is that we don’t even try or that we sabotage ourselves to fail – after which we say, “You see, I told you I couldn’t do it!”   What can we do about all of this?   Identify your beliefs.  Ask yourself what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.  Listen for words like “should, must, have to.”  Spot generalized statements such as “leisure is a luxury” or “sleep is a waste of time”.  Ask what rules you live by. Ask whether your beliefs are serving you well or not.  Beliefs aren’t inherently right or wrong.  For example, “work before pleasure” can lead to a very good work ethic – or a workaholic lifestyle.  “You should always tell the truth” is a good rule to live by – until someone asks “How do you like my new hairdo?” Question your beliefs; challenge them.   Some people believe that, once you start a book, you should finish it.  Where is that written? How many hours have you wasted reading stuff you’re not enjoying?  Or how about “I have to keep reading until I finish the chapter”.  Who says?    Remember, beliefs are not The Truth.  They’re just your version of the truth. Modify or revise beliefs that are not serving you well or are creating problems.  Tell yourself that it’s okay to stop reading – even in the middle of a paragraph – if you’re starting to fade.  One man realized he was driving himself to overload with the belief “I’m the only one who can do this properly”.  He later amended it to “Others can often do things just as well as I can – sometimes even better – and usually, at least, well enough”. New belief – big relief!  Try it.