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Be careful what you say One of my highly stressed patients was lamenting the pressures of his overloaded schedule. Among his many activities was volunteer work in a community organization. His position on the board required far more work than he'd expected. To lighten his load, I suggested he consider resigning his position. He said, "I can't do that. I'd feel like a quitter. I've never quit anything in my life." His father had taught him to never give up or surrender in the face of a challenge - especially in sports or schoolwork. I suggested that he not get hung up on the word "quit." "Think of it as making a necessary choice to help you take control of your life and reduce your stress. I'm not saying you should "quit" - only that you should "resign." (Actually, the dictionary defines "quit" with words like: "to set free, depart from, leave, let go, discontinue," and "to stop doing a thing." All these words describe an action without making any character judgements.) After our discussion, he gave notice that he would be leaving his position, a decision with which he now felt comfortable. This story illustrates the connection between language and feelings. I heard a phrase once that "we use language, but language also uses us." Certain words are like stress triggers or hot buttons where other words evoke far less reaction. The making of linguistic distinctions can help to reduce stress. I learned about the use of language from my mentor at Harvard, Dr. Matthew Budd. He's just written an excellent book on this subject called, "You Are What You Say: A Harvard Doctor's Six-Step Proven Program for Transforming Stress Through the Power of Language." (Crown Publishers, 2000) (Movie fans take note: the introduction is written by Patch Adams, M.D.) It combines profound ideas and up-to-date brain research with a very conversational style and is filled with stories and examples. Each chapter ends with a summary and exercises you can do as a home study program. It's a terrific book which I highly recommend. Here are some distinctions in language that my patients have found helpful. A. Assertive vs. Aggressive Many people have difficulty speaking up for themselves and expressing their feelings. They fear they'll be perceived as aggressive. So they choose to say nothing and become passive. Fortunately, there's a middle ground between these extremes: being assertive. Aggressive speech involves being forceful, loud, blunt or even attacking other people. Assertiveness is when you speak up for yourself without putting the other person on the defensive. It involves telling them how you feel by using "I" statements. So instead of saying, "You're rude and inconsiderate," you'd say, "I get frustrated when you don't return my phone calls." Or, "I get upset when you're late for our appointments." Different words generate different mindsets. Being assertive feels O.K. where being aggressive does not. B. Feedback vs. Criticism If something bothers me in a restaurant, I find the management is much more receptive if I start with the phrase, "I'd like to give you some feedback - this is not criticism." Then I convey my message. If giving negative information is difficult for you, stop thinking of it as criticism (which feels threatening) and present it as feedback (which is constructive). C. Declining vs. Refusing If you have trouble saying "No" it may be the language you're using with yourself. Instead of thinking that you're "adamantly refusing," (which feels obstinate) think of yourself as "graciously declining." The fact is that you can't do everything that's asked of you or you'd quickly become overwhelmed. We all have to draw a line somewhere. So if someone makes a request you can't accept, think of yourself as "declining" rather than "refusing." It'll feel easier. D. Relaxation vs. Laziness A patient was deriding himself for his "laziness." Now a senior citizen, he found he needed to lie down and rest about an hour after breakfast and again in the afternoon. He'd always been active and busy, so he was unhappy with his current situation. I felt he was being unfair and hard on himself. After all, he was in his 70s and retired. But, he also had three serious diseases which left him tired and in constant pain. I was actually impressed by how well he was functioning and was captivated by his warmth and good humour. Laziness connotes sloth, indolence, and aversion to work - none of which applied to him. I said: "You're just lying down to 'relax' and 'take it easy'. That's not 'laziness'". He found this distinction helpful and started giving himself permission to do it without self-rebuke or guilt. These are some examples of how the words we use can make a difference
in how we feel. Try some of these distinctions in your own life and
see if they work for you. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |