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What did you expect? When we decided to re-do our kitchen we wondered what to do with the cupboards. We were told about a broker who bought used cabinets and who might pay us $500 - $600 for them. When he offered $900, it so exceeded our expectations that we accepted on the spot. To this day I don't know whether we got a good deal or not. But it was much more than we expected so we were happy. Conversely, a lot of our stress reactions work like that: it's not the event itself that upsets us, but how it compares with our expectations. And when those expectations are unrealistic (i.e. unlikely to happen), we're almost guaranteed to feel some disappointment, frustration, or even anger. A woman was upset that her recently-separated husband wasn't calling or seeing the children. I asked how much time he'd spent with the kids before the separation. "Not very much - that's another thing I'm angry about." I then asked why she expected him to show more interest in the children than when he'd lived at home. She had no answer. I said: "I think your expectation is perfectly reasonable, but it's unrealistic given his track record over the years. I don't think it's going to happen." She agreed and her anger slowly dissolved. Even though his behaviour didn't please her, she reduced her stress by matching her expectation to the reality. We all have expectations - of situations, of other people and of ourselves. But when they're unrealistic, they're like a trap that we unwittingly set for ourselves. Unrealistic expectations about: A. Situations Do you get upset every time your computer glitches? Do you get ticked off when the computer help line puts you on hold for ten minutes? How about when your car-phone signal breaks up or cuts out in tunnels or bad weather? How do you feel when your airline departure is delayed---again? These are some realities of life in the age of technology. A few years ago, my son, then 12, understood this better than I did when I was getting frustrated with our computer. "Daddy, don't get upset. It's a new technology; they haven't worked out all the bugs yet." His expectations were realistic - mine weren't. Guess who had the stress? B. People My patient has a boss who was driving him crazy. This guy, Roger, was generally uninvolved or nowhere to be seen. But when there was media coverage or they got an award, he was suddenly front and centre to receive the kudos. My patient found his behaviour exasperating. Every week he told me another "Roger" story. One day I said, "Roger seems to be a model of consistency. I can see why you're irritated by his behaviour, but why are you so surprised each time? Why are you expecting him to behave differently after all these years? Roger's just being himself." (A friend of mine calls this "Roger doing Roger.") I suggested he modify his expectations to conform with reality. The next week he came in with another "Roger" story, but he told it with a little less upset. "Well, he did it again this week!" The following visit he said, "The guy never lets you down. Listen to this." By the third visit, he actually laughed as he told me another totally predictable story. As he slowly acknowledged the pattern, his stressful reactions diminished. C. Ourselves People have a tough time if their expectations of themselves are so high that they can't be met. Perfectionists head this list. These people think that they will never make mistakes, that they must always be right and that they should never have a bad day. The reality is that we can't do it all, and we can't be all things to all people. We will make mistakes, we won't win every game (including Tiger Woods!). And not everybody is going to like us, no matter what we do. It would be easier if we stopped putting such impossible expectations on ourselves. Salesmen know they won't close every sale. In the insurance industry
there's a rule of thumb that ten cold calls yield three appointments
which result in one sale. That puts the hang-ups and rejections in perspective.
It's all part of seeing things as they are, not as we'd, ideally, like
them to be. So the next time you're upset, ask yourself why. And check
to see if, maybe, you were expecting too much in the first place. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |