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Do you have trouble making decisions? A friend of mine likes to tell the story about the time she and I went shopping in Los Angeles to find me a new bathing suit. We went to a couple of stores and looked at tons of bathing suits. I just couldn't decide. There was a lot to choose from - bathing trunks in every style and color imaginable. My friend was unbelievably tolerant and patient. Later, of course, I realized how close she must have been to tearing her hair out - or mine. You'd have thought I was buying a beach house - not beach wear! When I look back on that strange day, I think there were two problems: they had far too many choices and nothing really felt suitable (pardon the pun). Stuck with what felt like a bunch of second choices, I simply couldn't make up my mind. The irony is that I made the decision to change careers within days and I bought my last car within hours of test driving the one that fit my fancy. There are times we just know that the decision feels right and there's not much left to debate. At other times (often with more trivial choices), we can dither endlessly. Difficulty making decisions (or indecisiveness) is one of many stress symptoms discussed in an earlier column. I always ask new patients if they have trouble making decisions. One day a man paused, then said, "Well, yes and no..." I quickly wrote down, "Has trouble making decisions." However, difficulty making decisions can also be a source of stress in that uncertainty can lead to feelings of insecurity and confusion. The amount of choice we have in today's world is staggering. Walk into a supermarket to buy salad dressing and there are dozens to choose from. Compare that with my shopping experience in the Arctic in 1968. First of all, there was only one store - The Hudson Bay Company. And they sold only three kinds of salad dressing: Kraft Italian, French, and Thousand Island. Shopping at The Bay in Inuvik was a five-minute experience. There was minimal debate, and no second-guessing afterward. Life was simpler then. Over my years as a physician, I've helped patients struggle with big and very difficult decisions (such as whether or not to leave a marriage, quit a job, or sell a house). While I can't decide for them, I assist them with the process and help them live with whatever decision they make. Here are some approaches that I've found helpful. 1. List all the options you can think of to solve a problem. Don't edit yourself at this stage - just make the most comprehensive list you can. For example, in a severe marriage conflict, the options aren't just simply to stay or leave. A list might look like this: A. Stay put and accept the status quo. B. Stay together, but work on the marriage and try to make it better. C. Stay in the marriage and get professional counseling. D. Stay in the marriage, but live separate lives. E. Trial separation F. Permanent separation G. Divorce. After you've listed your options, eliminate those that are unacceptable to you. Number the remaining items in order of preference and then decide which option to pursue. Then formulate a plan of action. 2. Use a "Ben Franklin Balance Sheet." I've used this helpful technique for years with patients and in my own life. Take an issue you're struggling with and list all the pros and cons of each option. For example, we had a condo up in cottage country that we felt ambivalent about (especially the 3-hour drive). One day we discussed selling it. We set up a grid sheet with four quadrants as shown in the diagram.
Then we listed all the pros and cons we could think of for "Keeping the Place" and for "Selling the Place." You might expect that all the "pros" of one option would simply be repeated in the "cons" of the other. But by shifting your mind set from 'staying' to 'leaving,' you actually generate different ideas in the various lists. We also weighed the pros and cons of keeping the property but renting it out. By the end of the exercise, we had explored the issue much more fully than in our previous general discussions and the decision became clearer. Even when the balance sheet doesn't give you a clear answer, it does help to clarify the issues. In this sense, the process can be as important as the final decision. Another thing. Not all the factors will be of equal importance. You
can deal with this by highlighting the most significant points or
by using a rating scale. Apparently Ben Franklin ranked each item
on the "pros" side from +1 to +10 and each item in the "cons"
list -1 to -10. He then calculated the totals to get a numerical answer. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |
