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The power of permission A woman came up to speak to me after one of my seminars. She was struggling with a time management problem, trying to juggle several elements of her life. In addition to a full- time job and raising two pre-school children, she was spending 15 hours a week starting a new business with a friend. Having difficulty doing everything, she had called a radio talk show to explain her dilemma to a guest expert. Apparently his response was "Well, you're just not organized. What you have to do is..." and he gave several suggestions about being more efficient. She told me she'd already been feeling overwhelmed but, after hearing from the expert, she also felt guilty for being unable to manage her schedule. I asked her two questions: "What do you really want to do?" and "What do you think you could comfortably handle?" She said she couldn't keep doing it all. I agreed, "It's tough to work 55 hours a week and still have anything left for your family and yourself. Once your kids are a little older, perhaps you could rethink the situation. But for now it sounds like a full-time job and raising two children is quite enough. Maybe your friend can find someone else to partner with." The sense of relief that radiated out of her was almost palpable. She thanked me for validating her feelings and for reinforcing what she really wanted to do. What was this story about? Why did she need advice from "experts" when she already knew what was right for her? I think she was looking for permission. She wanted an authority-figure to sanction her decision and to tell her it was O.K. to scale back. Perhaps she was also seeking external support to justify her decision to her friend. We often need someone's approval to give us courage to act. One of the best parts of my job is giving people permission until they can comfortably give it to themselves. Here's an example. A patient told me that she was proud of her skills as both a gourmet cook and hostess. However, she was also a Type-A perfectionist who made things hard for herself. She believed that, when she entertained company, she should prepare all the dishes from basic ingredients. She made her soup from stock and marrow, she made her own salad dressings, and so on. I think she secretly slipped off to Brazil twice a year to pick her own coffee beans! All this work started to feel onerous and preparing for dinner parties became more of a chore than a pleasure. She said, "One of these days I'd just love to serve a Sara Lee cake for dessert." The first question that crossed my mind was "So why don't you do that?" But instead, I asked her, "When's your next dinner party?" "Next Saturday." "Do you have any Sara Lee cakes at home?" "Oh sure, I always have a few in the freezer." "Let me make a suggestion. Why don't you serve a Sara Lee cake next Saturday night and see what happens?" She was enticed by the idea but felt uncomfortable with it. So I said, "Let me give you permission to do this. We both know it'll be easier for you and I'm sure everyone will enjoy it. Do it as an experiment." The next week she reported back. She did what I suggested and it worked out fine. She said she'd feel comfortable doing it again - in other words, to give herself permission next time. The benefits had reinforced the behaviour. Later, in a chance meeting in town, she confided to me: 'I'm still serving Sara Lee cakes!" This story illustrates that we sometimes need an external voice to condone our behaviour or to reinforce our desire to do something. Permission is a form of endorsement from other people. It's as if they're giving their blessing to a course of action that, in our heart of hearts, we want to follow but something still stops us. However, we should get past our reliance on other people. If we're
to achieve the lives we envision, we need to get better at giving ourselves
permission - to choose what feels right and then to act on it. This
is not about acting selfishly - it's about self-determination and self-reliance.
It's about living according to our own values and priorities, not somebody
else's. Too many people are giving up parts of their lives to fulfill
other people's agendas. Whether it's a choice of career or plans for
the weekend, start listening to your inner voice and let it guide you.
It's another way of taking more control of your life. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |