Dr David Posen -Stress Management Keynote Speaker and Author

Tips and Techniques

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Communication aggravation

I was invited to give a workshop for a group of high-powered executives. It was held at a small lakeside resort on a sunny day in June - an idyllic setting for talking about work-life balance and values.

At the mid-morning break I noticed three group members chatting out on the driveway. But they weren't talking to one another. Each had a phone against his ear, presumably talking business. "Well," I thought, "maybe some things can't wait." But then I looked out the lakeside window at another group on the deck. Despite the lovely view, they also had phones stuck in their ears, each preoccupied with a seemingly important conversation. I wondered: "What's wrong with this picture?" We're gathered for a peaceful retreat on a beautiful lake to get some perspective on their lives - and they're trying to fit business into the cracks.

This is not an isolated incident. I've asked people to turn off their laptops during seminar breaks. They reply that if they don't pick up their messages continuously, they'll have 100 emails to deal with by the end of the day.

We live in a wired world. It's a mixed blessing. I remember the big breakthrough when doctors got pagers. They allowed us to be out and about when we were on call instead of being tied to a telephone. What freedom! However, in today's world, pagers, cell phones, voice mail and email, have created an electronic leash instead of liberation. As David Brooks put it in a recent Newsweek article, "Never being out of touch means never being able to get away."

And this isn't the only kind of communication aggravation. We've all been on trains and buses where one insensitive passenger with a cell phone and a loud voice can infuriate dozens of travelers who only want to read or sleep. We also get to learn far more about the exhibitionist than any of us wanted to know.

Here's another scenario. I recently called the help line for one of my office techno-gizmos that was on the fritz. I was then led through a maze of voice mail menus the likes of which I'd never encountered before. They were so multi-layered you needed to draw flow diagrams to keep track of all the options. The meta-message it conveyed to me was, "We've already made the sale. We're not interested in your problem. Go away!" After three rounds of this charade, I hung up, called the dealer from whom I'd bought the equipment, and said, "I'd like you to handle this. Your supplier doesn't seem to be very customer-focused."

Then there's the steady stream of misdirected faxes I receive that are meant for a professional office in town with a fax number similar to mine. This leads to questions of "fax etiquette." Do I ignore them (and risk being a bad citizen), resend them to the proper number (which takes time - some of these documents are 10-20 pages long), call the sender (or intended recipient) to tell them their message went astray? And who should pay for all the paper and ink these unwanted faxes consume?

And while we're at it, unsolicited marketing faxes are another plague, adding to your overhead costs while the advertiser incurs no expense at all. Great racket - no wonder there's so much of it.

Then there's the "hurry-up" factor. A lawyer told me: "I used to get letters asking for an opinion. I'd think about it and mail back a reply. Now I get a fax asking for a response by 2:00 p.m. today. Then I receive a phone call an hour later, asking, 'Did you get my fax? What do you think?'" This expectation of accelerated turnaround is not only stressful, but often precludes any time for reflection. We're expected to react rather than respond. And unless we do something about it, it's only going to get worse.

And finally, my favourite: call waiting - (which I label "call aggravating"). I understand the need for businesses to answer each call, which sometimes means putting people on hold. But residential phones where each incoming call beeps a signal to interrupt? Persistently? Every time a phone partner says, "Oh, just a second, let me get this call." I feel like they're really saying, "Hold on a sec - this call might be more important than you." What a great technological innovation! How did we ever get along without it?

Did I mention spam emails that take several minutes to download? Or those error messages that come up to tell you that you can't connect with your Internet server - just as you're tidying up to go on vacation? These are some of the joyous wired-world experiences I call "Communication Aggravation." Next week I'll discuss ideas about taming the monster that's taking over our lives.