Dr David Posen -Stress Management Keynote Speaker and Author

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Social support: Why and how

A new patient came to see me for stress counseling. He had never talked to any professional before and the words just poured out of him. He talked in an animated way for almost an hour.

At the end of the session he stood up, grasped my hand with both of his and enthusiastically told me how much I had helped him. In fact, I had said little and offered no specific suggestions.

The benefit came from venting his feelings and getting years of emotional pain off his chest. What I provided was a safe environment in which he could speak freely. And I provided a caring, attentive ear. In that hour I became part of his social support network - which, unfortunately, had no other members at that time.

Social support has a huge impact on reducing stress. Many studies show that social support decreases the stress response hormones in our bodies. In his book, Love and Survival (Harper Perennial, 1998) Dr. Dean Ornish notes that people who have close relationships and a strong sense of connection and community enjoy better health and live longer than those who live in isolation or alienation. People who suffer alone, suffer a lot.

Benefits of social support include:

Emotional support and encouragement: a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. Talking about feelings (ventilation) reduces stress and helps us to work through problems and feel better about ourselves.
Logistical support: at times of overload, illness or injury, people can take care of our children, help with tasks or errands or drive us to medical appointments.
Mentoring and Coaching: after a job loss or relationship break-up, it helps to talk to people who have been through a similar experience and can share the lessons they've learned. They can also show us how to use a computer, build a deck, write a resume or prepare for an interview.
Networking: people in our support system can tell us about a job opportunity, a good car mechanic or a new book club.

A lot of people have difficulty opening up to others. Many patients tell me they feel weak or vulnerable when they admit they're having problems. Or they don't trust people to keep the information confidential. And yet, as hairdressers, bartenders, and taxi drivers will tell you, people often reveal surprisingly personal information to total strangers. This indicates that people feel a need to talk about their feelings, although they're selective about who they'll open up to. Interestingly, many patients who don't share their feelings tell me that other people often confide in them - and that they feel flattered and enjoy being helpful. Yet they're reluctant to discuss their own personal lives or feelings.

How to develop and use a support system

Find people whom you trust and who care about you. You don't need a gallery of folks - a few close friends or relatives will suffice.
The best time to develop a support system is before you need it. Don't wait till you're halfway up the twist and then run out to some passer-by on the street and say: "I have to tell you about my day!"
The best way to develop a support system is to give support to others. This establishes a relationship and builds trust and goodwill. When you know someone is upset, ask if they'd like to talk about it. Then listen patiently and empathically. Call or visit someone who's sick or going through a rough time. Then, when you need a listening and caring ear, you'll have built a connection that can be reciprocated comfortably. As my father put it: "Just keeping giving and the taking will look after itself."
Confide only what's comfortable for you. You don't have to divulge your entire life story. Venting feelings is more important than sharing details.
A couple went through a very tough time when their child was hospitalized after a serious injury. "We called on our support system and told them what we needed. We knew we couldn't get through it alone."
Turn to people with whom you feel comfortable (relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues at work, family doctors, clergymen, or even specific professionals such as therapists--what a colleague of mine calls "renting a friend.").
Don't judge yourself as weak or "less than" when you seek support. We all feel stressed, angry, frustrated or scared at times. It's a mistake to keep those feelings in. Having problems doesn't mean you're weak. It only means you're human. And there's a saying that "A problem shared is a problem halved."