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Stop giving power to abusive people One of my patients was dealing with a verbally abusive boss. He would ride herd on her in a variety of ways: using foul language, criticizing, nagging, and being in her face. She was very good at her job and valuable to the company, so he didn't have a lot to complain about, but that didn't stop him from undermining her every chance he got. Unfortunately his continual harassment kept her off-balance and eroded her self-esteem, so she had less confidence with which to fight back. However, one day she came into my office and announced that she had finally addressed the problem and asserted herself. She summed it up by saying, "I decided to take the 'kick-me' sign off my back." In other words, she decided that she'd had enough and wasn't prepared to put up with this behaviour any longer. It was risky, but she was prepared to take a chance. And, as often happens when abusive people are confronted, he backed off (after a few petulant remarks as his parting shots). Things improved after that. Abusive behaviour is a strategy that some people use to control situations or other people. In a sense, it's a weapon being used in a power struggle. When I encourage patients to stop putting up with this abuse, some think I'm suggesting that they become dominant and take control. This would be a role reversal which most people would be afraid to try. It's not what I'm advocating. I merely suggest that they stop participating in the perpetrator-victim struggle that's going on. The metaphor I use is a Popsicle, which has two halves. In an uneven, power-wielding relationship, it's as if the abusive person has the whole thing. The message to get across is not "I want the whole Popsicle," but rather "I don't want your half. I just want that you not have my half. In other words, let's share the Popsicle by splitting it." The result is more balance in the relationship. This is what I mean when I encourage people to take back the power that they've given to others. There are two kinds of control: one is control over others (which I call power) and the other is control over yourself (which I call autonomy). CONTROL OVER OTHERS (POWER) CONTROL OVER SELF (AUTONOMY) So in taking control back from other people, aim for autonomy and self-determination, not power over someone else. Abusive people are not as tough as you think I often ask patients to evaluate the self-esteem of the abusive people in their lives. "On a scale of 1-100, how high would you rate this person's self-esteem?" The answer usually is "very high" or "90," something like that. It's interesting how we view abusive people. They seem confident and imposing so we assume they like and feel good about themselves. The fact is, it's usually the opposite. Abusive people almost invariably have low self-esteem, feel insecure about themselves and are actually trying to build themselves up by putting other people down. It's as if they can't feel good about themselves on their own merits, so they try to make themselves feel bigger by making others smaller. Incidentally we can all be irritable or unwittingly abusive at times---for example: when we're highly stressed, angry or are frustrated about something. I'm not talking about this occasional behaviour. I'm referring to a pattern of abuse and harassment. So, remember that when people are routinely abusive and hard to get along with, they are usually feeling not very good about themselves. Whatever bluster or facade of power they're trying to project, they are usually feeling pretty small or even frightened inside. It's like Dorothy discovering that the Wizard of Oz is nothing more than a small man with a microphone hiding behind a screen. Before you give power to intimidating people, keep in mind that they're not as big and tough as you've made them out to be. And as soon as your backbone gets straighter and stronger, you'll see how quickly they usually retreat from trying to push you around. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |