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Stop giving power to other people One of my patients was having problems with her verbally abusive husband. While he could be charming at times, and was never physically abusive, he had a way of attacking her on occasion, often when she least expected it. He would go into a tirade of berating and criticizing, making her feel small and unworthy. These attacks were taking a toll on both her self-esteem and her affection for him. I sensed that he wasn't a malicious guy and probably didn't appreciate how much harm he was doing to her and their relationship. One day I made a suggestion. "The next time he does that, why don't you listen as impassively as possible and, when he's finished, just say to him, 'Thanks for sharing that with me' and walk away." She burst out laughing and couldn't wait to try it. At her next visit she reported what happened. He got all wound up and went into his spiel. She listened without getting upset. Then she delivered her quiet message in a dignified way, without sarcasm. He got flustered and embarrassed. He looked totally deflated - like a balloon that had suddenly lost all its air. From that point on, he became a pussycat - pleasant, subdued and easy to get along with. However, a few weeks later he reverted to form and started winding up to take another strip off her. Only this time, she pre-empted him. Feeling empowered from having stood her ground before, she did something that was totally out of character for her. Spontaneously, she said to him, "Are you about to launch into one of your attacks again? Because if you are, I don't want to get into it with you, but I do want to watch." And with that she pulled over a chair, sat down and ceremoniously got herself adjusted and comfortable. Then she looked up at him and said, "Okay, I'm ready." He stood there nonplussed, mumbled something and walked away. And, again, he immediately became more pleasant toward her. This woman finally realized that she didn't have to put up with his behaviour anymore - and that she had tacitly been giving him permission to verbally abuse her in the past. She had given power to him by allowing him to treat her badly without objecting. She had now found ways to break the cycle. Better yet, she did so without being argumentative or provoking a fight. One of my metaphors for this dynamic is the game of tennis. How many people does it take to play tennis? The answer, of course, is two. How many people does it take to break up a tennis game? The obvious answer is one. Either person can decide that they don't want to play anymore and stop the game. They can walk off the court or, as one of my patients put it, "stop returning the serve."
In abusive relationships there are two participants: the abuser and the "abusee" (who has tacitly agreed to be the victim). It's a subconscious dynamic, but in essence the victim is in collusion with the attacker. For every dominant person, there needs to be someone willing to be submissive. (Please note that I'm not talking about unprovoked acts of violence or crime where the victim is truly a victim. I'm talking about relationships in which the balance of power has shifted with one person assuming certain prerogatives and the other, subconsciously, going along and condoning that behaviour.) One key to dealing with this kind of situation is to realize it's happening. If you feel intimidated, anxious, or not good about yourself when you're with a particular person, you're quite possibly experiencing some form of abuse from them. The other key is to realize you don't have to put up with it. Patients have used phrases such as: "I decided not to let him get to me anymore" or "I'm not giving her permission to keep doing this to me." Then they take measures to interrupt or stop the game. Occasionally the abuser will up the ante and escalate the abuse. But, usually, they back down when their victims stand up to them. Next week I'll talk further about this. All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D. |
