| The Principles of Stress
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Where stress really comes from The details are fuzzy but it happened something like this. I was
walking through a parking lot when a car drove toward me. I expected
it to stop, but instead it picked up speed. For an instant, I was paralyzed
with fear. Just then, I recognized that the driver was a friend of mine
and he was laughing. Realizing there was no danger, I laughed too -
with relief. The story illustrates an important - and surprising - point. Events and situations rarely cause stress (with obvious exceptions like being mugged on the street or your car going out of control). You can prove this premise in two ways. First, think of a situation that may stress you on one occasion but not when it happens again a week later (for example, dawdling children or an unwanted knock on the door at suppertime). Secondly, think of a situation involving other people and you'll notice that not everyone reacts the same way. Take, for example, a flight delay at an airport. Some people get irate, others just shrug and go back to their reading and still others go up to the counter, get a voucher for the airport bar and walk away smiling. If the event or situation was causing stress, then everyone would be upset every time. Clearly, something else is going on here. Dr. Hans Selye summarized this phenomenon when he said: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters, but how you take it." American psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, addressed this issue in his
Rational Emotive Therapy, helping us to understand what happens between
an event and a stress reaction. It is summarized in the following diagram: Here's an example. You're in a restaurant waiting to meet a friend for a one o'clock lunch date. By the time I walk in at 1:25 your friend hasn't shown up yet. I notice you sitting alone and looking upset. I ask what's wrong and you say: "Joe was supposed to meet me at 1:00 and he's not here." Curious to explore your stressful interpretations of this situation, I ask; "Why is that upsetting to you?" You probably want to say, "Duh-h-h, why do you think it's bothering me?" But instead you share the internal conversation that you've been having with yourself. "It's rude to keep people waiting, I'm getting hungry. I have to leave at 2 o'clock - I'm going to have to eat quickly and get indigestion. He doesn't think my time is important. He doesn't think I'm important. People should be on time. People who are late are inconsiderate. I feel like a jerk sitting here by myself. The waiter's getting upset because I'm tying up his table." Or, the stressful thoughts may relate to worry. "I'm afraid something happened to him. He may have been in an accident." Or, the stress might result from self-doubt. "Maybe I got the arrangements confused. Maybe it wasn't today. Maybe I'm in the wrong restaurant." Let's return to the Stress Pathway. The situation is that Joe hasn't shown up yet. But your stress reaction is not a result of Joe's being late. It's a result of your thoughts about his lateness (which are based on guessing and conjecture, not facts). You're interpreting his absence and reacting to those judgements. There are many reasons why people can be late: a last-minute emergency at work, getting stuck in traffic, being unable to find a parking spot - or even stopping off to buy you a gift! When you're upset about something, it's helpful to determine why you're
upset. What's the internal conversation you're having? Ask yourself:
"Why is this situation upsetting me?" "Why is that a
problem for me?" "What is it about this situation that's really
bothering me?" Analyzing your self-talk won't always solve the
problem, but it's a good first step in dealing with the stress. |
