Holiday Stress

1. Avoid holiday stress. Start now! (To be read in October)
2. How to enjoy holiday stress
3. More on how to enjoy holiday stress
4. Feelings that surface during the holiday season
5. Have you made your New Year's resolutions?

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It was my first experience with the emotional side of Christmas.

As a Jewish kid growing up in Toronto, I had only experienced Christmas by singing carols at school and going to the Santa Claus parade each year. This occasion was the annual "Christmas Tree" at the University of Toronto and some friends had invited me to join them.

The Great Hall of Hart House was festively decorated and a huge Christmas tree stood in one corner. The men's glee club led the singing of carols and then, near the end of the evening, the lights dimmed. The mood was set and Alan Toff read Dylan Thomas's "A Child's Christmas in Wales" with only the lights from the tree illuminating the huge room filled with hundreds of hushed students. It was a memorable moment - even for me.

Hanukkah was our holiday, an eight-day festival of lights marked by the lighting of candles each night. It was a fun time of year including a family get-together with games, songs, presents, laughter, and special foods, especially potato latkes. But it was also a time to retell the story behind the holiday (the victory of the Maccabees and the restoration and rededication of the Temple, aided by a small cruse of oil that miraculously burned for eight days).

With holidays at this time of year, there is a festive element but also a religious component, a solemn reverence for the origin of each celebration.

The beauty and pageantry usually evoke feelings of warmth and connection. Other emotions surface during this season, such as excitement and happiness. But there can also be feelings that are difficult to manage: sadness, loneliness, feelings of loss, longing for the past, depression, family tension and conflict, anger or feelings of rejection.

The holiday season can also be a divisive time as families decide which relatives to visit. I remember a tug of war in my office between his family in Owen Sound vs. hers in Kitchener. It almost seemed easier to stay home!

Then there are "the relatives." Aunt Martha who keeps kissing everybody, Uncle Edgar who tells every joke he's heard in the past year (including the off-colour ones), and cousin Frankie who drinks too much and embarrasses everyone.

Here are some suggestions for managing the feelings of the season:

1. Decide what you'll need and then make sure you get it. If you can't be with your family, or all of them, invite friends over to provide company and support. A recently separated woman invited her extended family over for Christmas. As she put it, "I feel the need to have a focus and a reason to decorate the house."
2. Don't dwell on what or who is missing. Focus on the things you can celebrate (family, health, loving friends, etc.). Absent or departed people needn't be forgotten. A toast and a few thoughtful words are quite appropriate, but shouldn't be prolonged.
3. If you're going to be alone, share your holiday with those in a similar position, or tell your friends of your situation and ask if you can join them. Don't stand on ceremony or wait for an invitation. "Dropping in" with a small gift at Christmas, an old and welcome custom, is a way of connecting.
4. Share the holiday with people who are having a difficult time. (E.g. a friend or neighbour who has suffered a recent loss, is without a job or has no family close by).
5. Attend services at your church or synagogue, making connections to both religion and community.
6. Volunteer your time to help make the holidays more enjoyable for others. Offering your services to a shelter or community agency can be very rewarding. In my family physician years, I was on call every Christmas Eve or Christmas Day so the other doctors in our group could be home with their families.
7. Don't get drawn into family conflicts. Stand back and become an observer. Watch the family dynamics without making judgments.
8. Avoid family gatherings if you find them too acrimonious or upsetting, or make a shorter visit.
9. Consider going away for the holidays if you feel that staying home will be too painful.
10. Talk about your feelings to people you're close to - or to a trusted professional.
11. Make the best of your situation whatever it is, and make whatever happens be O.K. A quote from author W.P. Kinsella offers sage advice which is apt for the holiday season: "Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get." Whatever your celebration, I wish you all the best for the holiday season and a very Happy and Healthy New Year.
    
    

All material copyrighted, David B. Posen M.D.