Dr David Posen -Stress Management Keynote Speaker and Author

Holiday Stress

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How to enjoy holiday stress

Charles Dickens began A Tale of Two Cities, with the line, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Paraphrased for the holiday season, it could read, "I can't wait for Christmas - to be over!"

December can be a delicious time of year, or extremely stressful and depressing. Whatever holiday you observe, it's hard to not be affected by the hoopla and activity of the festive season.

Even though I grew up in the Jewish tradition and celebrated Hanukkah, I got to experience Christmas by marching in three Santa Claus parades, spending two Christmas Eves in Bethlehem and frequently sharing parts of Christmas with friends. I also got to see Christmas through the eyes of my patients. I have come to understand the stress, exhaustion, mixed feelings and even anguish that can arise at this time of year.

Where Does Holiday Stress Come From? and What Can We do to Better Manage It?

1. Unrealistic Expectations

The perfect Christmas is an illusion. And the quest for perfection is guaranteed to end in frustration and disillusionment, because nothing will measure up. Some people have mythical ideals about the holiday season, or gilded memories where everything seemed to have been warm and wonderful. Then they try to recreate the feeling of remembered Christmases. But these images are often more romanticized than real.

Don't compare this year's Christmas with past years or idealized standards from books and popular movies. This is not a competition or a contest. Don't try to make every Christmas "the best ever." Just take it as it comes and enjoy it on its own terms.

Similarly, you don't have to create the kind of Christmas you had as a child. Start new traditions and create new memories for your own children. One of my former nurses developed a ritual of making a gingerbread man for each family member the night before Christmas, and everyone got a new pair of pyjamas to open on Christmas Eve. Another family has a tradition of going to church on Christmas Eve and then coming home to watch a holiday movie. They rotate among "A Muppet Christmas Carol", "The Santa Clause" and "Miracle on 34th Street". In years past, when I joined friends for Christmas, I liked reading Dylan Thomas's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Wales," as my contribution to their tradition.

Another unrealistic expectation is trying to please everyone or to do everything for everybody. This is especially a trap for women who are socialized to meet the needs of others. The fact is you can't please everyone, you can't do it all, and you can't be all things to all people. So take that burden off your shoulders. Don't tie yourself into a Christmas wreath trying to meet these expectations.

Avoid perfectionism. The house doesn't have to be spotless. Not every meal has to be prepared from basic ingredients. It's really okay to go out and buy the dessert instead of cooking your own cake or pie. Remember two phrases: "When all else fails, lower your standards" and "Dare to be average."

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect. Lighten up and loosen up. Some parties are so lavish and formal you wonder when the Governor General is going to show up.

2. Beliefs and Self-Created Pressure.

Everyone has beliefs about how the holiday season should be and how everyone should behave. For example, "You don't open gifts until Christmas morning;" "The tree has to be green," etc. But one belief really troubled a patient of mine. She felt that "I'm responsible for everyone having a happy Christmas." I saw her on December 23rd and she was dreading Christmas Day. She had put tremendous pressure on herself to make sure everybody had a good time. We discussed how unrealistic this was and how unfair it was to her.

I gave her permission to give up that self-appointed role for this particular Christmas. I said, "You've invited everyone over, you've done a ton of work, you're providing the food and a nice atmosphere. Let them be responsible for enjoying themselves." In January she told me that she took my advice and had the best Christmas she could remember. She was able to relax and enjoy herself. And she noticed that all the others had been able to create their own pleasure without her being the self-designated fun-provider.