Always Change a Losing Game

Winning Strategies for Work, for Home and for Your Health

Published 1994 and 2004
by Key Porter Books.
Now in its ninth printing and a National Bestseller.

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Staying Afloat When the Water Gets Rough

How to Manage your Life in a Rapidly Changing World

Published 1998 and 2005 by Key Porter Books.
Now in its third printing and a National Bestseller.

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The Little Book of Stress Relief 

52 Prescriptions for a Calmer Life.

Published September 2003 by Key Porter Books.
Now in its seventh printing and a National Bestseller.

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Years ago, when I played tennis, I would stand at the baseline and hit the ball as hard as I could. I lost a lot of games that way. One day my brother suggested I play the net and take the offensive. I told him I was reluctant to do that since I didn’t volley very well. He said “I don’t think that matters. You’re not winning anyway. You don’t have much more to lose.” Then he added, “In sports there’s a rule that you should always change a losing game. If what you’re doing isn’t working, stop doing it.” That sounded reasonable so I gave it a try. Remarkably , I played the net better than I expected, my game improved, and we both had more fun.

I soon realized that this wisdom of changing a losing game also applies to everyday life. How often had I continued to do things that weren’t working (like spinning my tires when I was stuck in snow and just sinking deeper into the drifts)? How many times had I watched my patients and friends fail at diets or mismanage money, even though they were “replaying” previous behavior? Using the sports analogy as a touchstone, I began to change my own “game” (including a career switch at age forty two) and to suggest that my patients do the same. It got great results. People started to take control of their lives, to feel better about themselves and to relieve stress by changing basic aspects of their behavior and thinking.

“Always change a losing game” became my motto for success. We all play losing games at times. A losing game is simply a way of acting or thinking that is not working or that costs more than it’s worth (like using $5.00 worth of gas to save $3.00 on a purchase across town). Losing games like procrastination or eating poorly are very common. When my patients play losing games, I urge them to see that the logic from sports applies to everyday situations and can bring the same positive results.

There are different ways for change to occur. In 1986, the Boston Red Sox turned around a losing season by changing managers in July. Then they went on a tear and ended up in the World Series. They changed a losing game by doing something different.

Winning can also result from thinking differently. In 1954, Roger Bannister ran the first four minute mile in history. Almost immediately dozens of other runners broke the four minute barrier, not because they could suddenly run faster but because they changed their attitude about how fast humans can run. By changing their beliefs about what was possible, runners were able to break through a psychological barrier that had stood for generations. This book will look at ways we can do and think differently to make our lives work better.

ARE YOU PLAYING A LOSING GAME?
In sports, if you’re losing, you must figure out why and change your tactics. Yet as clear as this principle is in the realm of athletics, people rarely apply the same logic to the domains of work and relationships. We all do things that are self-defeating or counterproductive.

Here is a checklist of common examples. Take a moment to see where you stand. And if a smile of self-recognition crosses your face, be assured you are not alone.

• Do you take better care of your house (or car) than you do of yourself?
• Do you feel guilty when you do things for yourself or take some leisure time?
• Do you buy things you know you can’t afford?
• Do you worry a lot about things that never come to pass?
• Do you often find yourself driving with your gas gauge at “empty” and sweating about whether you’ll find a gas station before you run out?
• Do you drink caffeine to give you a boost and then need tranquilizers or alcohol to calm you down?
• Do you say yes to people when you want to say no -- and then kick yourself afterward?
• Do you say you place a high value on your family - but spend very little time with them?
• Do you do more for others than for yourself? Do you frequently feel resentful about this?
• Do you work at a job you dislike or find unsatisfying and unfulfilling?

If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, welcome to the ranks of human frailty. Recognition of a problem is the first major step toward corrective change. And change is what this book is all about.

In 1984, my wife and I moved from a condominium to our first house. I was faced with many new pleasures that apartment dwellers don’t have to bother with, like shovelling snow and cutting grass. I decided to use a manual lawnmower because it was what I was used to. Things went well for awhile...until the grass got thicker in July...until the first time I had to mow after a rain, when the grass was still wet...and pushing the mower uphill wasn’t nearly as pleasant as pushing downhill. The second year, my neighbour smiled over the fence one day and said to his son: “C’mere Matt, here’s a history lesson for you. This is how people used to cut the grass. Take a good look. You’ll never see anything like it again.” We both laughed but It was one of those moments of clarity when I finally acknowledged I was making the job harder than it needed to be, given the technology so readily available. That afternoon I visited my local hardware store (to make the leap from the 50’s to the 80’s) and heard myself thinking: “You see, Dad, I’m not afraid of change!”

This was a situation in which I had a choice. But many of the changes we’re confronting these days are imposed on us by circumstances, or by other people. For example, I remember scrambling to find office space in 1986 because the building I’d been in for 14 years was sold and they wanted my office for another tenant. Change happens to us all. A neighbor called me recently to say goodbye. She was moving to the United States because her husband had just been offered a promotion which he had to take if he wanted to stay with the company. She was thrilled for him but she loved living in our town. Now she had to uproot herself, a change she neither asked for nor wanted. Her husband didn’t have much choice in the matter either--his job was being eliminated in a reorganization. They had nowhere else to put him, so it was either accept the move or start looking for new employment.

We’re living in a time of unprecedented change. It’s affecting every area of our lives and the rate of change is accelerating. But even though change is a fact of life, most of us find it difficult and stressful--especially when it’s rapid, extensive and imposed upon us. This book is about managing change and the effect it has on us.
And my message is:
You’re not alone,
There are things you can do to make it easier
And you’re going to be O.K.

With all the changes going on, especially in the realms of work, technology and economics, two life skills in particular have become essential in today’s world. They’re resilience--the ability to bounce back, and adaptability--the capacity to adjust to new situations. I am struck by how few books discuss the impact of change on each of us personally and what we can do to manage it. That is the purpose and focus of this book.

I have another goal as well: to soften the message about change. Much of what’s been said and written about change is alarmist and confrontational, filled with dire warnings: “Wake up and smell the coffee! Change is here. You have no choice. So get with the program and stop complaining. You think this is bad? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” These tidings lack compassion and understanding. People are anxious and confused enough already. What we need is a message that says: “Yes, change is a reality. And the pace of change is accelerating. It’s normal to feel some apprehension. But it may not be as difficult as you fear. And here are some things that will help you adjust.” That’s the note I want to sound in this book.

Even though the book was written primarily to address the mega-changes in the workplace, economics, technology and politics, the ideas and principles apply equally well to other kinds of change: moving to a new town; adjusting to marriage or parenthood; dealing with aging, retirement, illness or injury; coping with marriage breakdown, the death of a spouse or the empty nest syndrome. There are a multitude of changes we all have to adjust to in the course of a lifetime. But I do believe that we have what it takes to handle these events or to learn the skills necessary to do so. Let’s explore how to stay afloat in the rough waters in which we now find ourselves

“What is the one condition every doctor shares with every patient? The answer is stress. It’s everywhere. Whenever people find out I’m a stress consultant (from librarians in Toronto to limo drivers in New Jersey to techies in California), they invariably say, “Boy, could I use your services!” We all know about stress from experiencing it – even suffering from it at times. What we don’t all know is what to do about it. That’s what this book is about.

I became interested in stress in 1981. Actually, “hooked” would be more accurate. I was a family doctor, and had just received a flyer advertising a seminar in Montreal on heart disease. The topics included nutrition, exercise, stress management and sexuality (that was probably the teaser – I guess someone figured that, even at a medical meeting, sex sells!). The conference looked intriguing, and a few days off appealed to me, so I signed up. Little did I realize, when I got off the train on that sunny June afternoon, that my work life was about to change forever.

The program featured three lectures on stress management. I was riveted. The presenter was a young, funny, self-admittedly nervous psychologist – and she was fabulous! Not only was the information fascinating, but I could see how helpful it would be for my patients. Even more compelling was the fact that I could see huge potential benefits for myself. I was not the most laid-back guy in the world. And working in a high-pressure job only added to my stress. Those first presentations explained things I had been experiencing all my life, but had never previously understood. I have pursued the subjects of stress theory and stress management with a passion that has not abated in more than twenty years.

Over time, I began to appreciate the widespread impact of stress on my patients – not only on their health and emotional well-being, but also on their energy, productivity, relationships, self-esteem, and overall quality of life. I also made big progress in handling my own stress.”

TOPICS INCLUDE:

- Work-life Balance
- Delegating, Deadlines
- Procrastination, Clutter
- Difficult People, Technology
- Peer Pressure and Corporate Culture
- Anger, Worry
- Communication, Social Support
- Reframing, Relaxation
- Money, Home Chores
- The Blues, Burn-Out
- Holiday Stress, New Year’s Resolutions

OTHER EXCERPTS:

CAFFEINE – A Surprisingly Subtle Stressor

“Talk about a stimulating birthday party! My wife and I were invited to a restaurant for a fiftieth birthday celebration on a Thursday night. Four couples, lively conversation, wine, some laughs – a fun evening. With appropriate flourish, the birthday cake was served at about 10:30.
This was not your typical cake. It was a chocolate extravaganza that made mud pie look like a tranquilizer. Call it Death by Chocolate. It looked fabulous. My wife and I eyed each other, both with the same thought: is this going to be worth the sleep we’ll lose from all that caffeine? We rationalized that we didn’t want to offend our hosts, but I wouldn’t have passed up that cake for anything! We decided to go for it. And it was as good as it looked.

Then we got home. Midnight came and went. So did 1:00 a.m. We were wired. We finally drifted off about 2:00. And once again I was reminded of the effect of caffeine on stress and sleep.”

COMMUNICATION SKILLS – There’s an Art to Conversation

“Talk about a missed communication! Back when I was in my twenties, I was in a new relationship and we were spending a lot of time together on weekends. However, I’d been playing football on Sunday mornings since high school, and it was one of the highlights of my week. One Sunday, I decided to be a real prince and skip the game to spend time with my new romance. So, feeling virtuous, I announced my noble intention – although inwardly I felt a bit conflicted.
A week later, the truth came out. In a discussion resembling O. Henry’s ‘The Gift of the Magi,’ I finally admitted I’d given up my football game to please her. Then she revealed that she’d been looking forward to a quiet morning of reading and had shelved her plans so as not to hurt my feelings. So here we were, two well-meaning people who, in trying to please each other, ended up pleasing no one. I learned two lessons that day: we needed to communicate better, and couples don’t have to do everything together.”

BELIEFS THAT OPPOSE BALANCE AND LEISURE – The Hidden Rules That Run Your Life

“’How many of you feel comfortable getting up from dinner on a summer evening and going for a walk or a bike ride before you clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes?’ This is the question I posed at one of my work-life balance seminars. A few liberated souls put up their hands, but most people felt uncomfortable with the idea. (A few even shuddered at the notion.) We then explored the thinking behind this reluctance. We discovered it was based on a series of beliefs they held about work and leisure – the most basic of which was “work should come before pleasure.” As we probed deeper, someone blurted out, ‘My house has to be clean before I can enjoy myself.’ As soon as she said it, she registered a look of surprise at her own discovery. This message had been in her mind (and guiding her behavior) for years without her ever being aware of it until that moment.”

SAMPLE PRESCRIPTION:
HANDLING HOME CHORES – It’s a House, Not a Museum

• This week, keep track, in writing, of the time you spend on home chores.
• Pick one task that each family member can take on as their own. Help them get started.
• Pick one chore that you can hire out. Find an appropriate person, such as a student.
• Find one task that can be shortened, eliminated or done less frequently.
• Identify one appliance that would save you time. Buy it or start to save for its purchase.

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