Dr David Posen -Stress Management Keynote Speaker and Author

Work-Life Balance

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Handling home chores

Oscar Madison had it made. In the Neil Simon movie "The Odd Couple," Oscar was the sportswriter slob who lived with his nit-picking, fuss-budget, neat freak friend, Felix Unger.

Because Oscar didn't mind mess and chaos, he was off the hook for doing home chores. Felix, however, seemed to make it his life's work to pick up after Oscar and keep their Manhattan apartment looking clean and well ordered. Despite his complaining and exasperation, Felix still did all the work.

In the work-life balancing act, home chores are the second biggest issue after hours spent at a paid job. Arlie Hochschild pointed to this in the title of her book, The Second Shift (Viking, 1989) in which she likened home chores and childcare to a second job - the one that starts after a full day at the office. Statistics show that this problem still affects women more than men but that gender gap is closing. Now that 70% of marriages consist of two wage earners the amount of work performed by men and women in the home is beginning to even out.

The first way to handle home chores is to share the load.

Let's make two important distinctions involving language. The first is the difference between helping and sharing. When you ask someone to help, you are implying that this is really your job, but you would like their assistance. When you ask them to share the load, the message is: "We all live here and there's a certain amount of work to be done to keep the house livable and pleasant. It is no more my job than anyone else's and we all need to pitch in until it's done."

The other distinction is the difference between equal and equitable sharing. Equal means that everybody is doing the same amount. Equitable refers to a feeling of fairness, a division of labour that is acceptable to everybody even if the load is not shared equally.

When I was a teenager I used to go canoe tripping, but I wasn't strong enough to carry a canoe by myself. There were bigger and stronger guys who could carry a canoe and a backpack across a portage. They did the heavy work and I carried lighter packs, but I usually doubled back and made two trips. That was an example of equitable-though-not-equal sharing of tasks.

In a home situation, one person might do the heavy yard work, but less of the lighter inside work. If someone hates cooking they could do kitchen cleanups plus laundry in exchange for being exempted from chef duty. If one person's schedule is very busy or they're having health problems, they might do less work but, relative to their time constraints and physical ability, they would still be shouldering an acceptable amount of the load. The main criterion of equitable sharing is that everyone feels comfortable with the arrangement and no one feels they're being taken advantage of, or taken for granted.

Good communication is essential to effective teamwork. After many years as a stay-at-home mom, one of my patients decided to take a part-time job outside her home. Not surprisingly, her family had become used to her doing almost all the home chores. She called a meeting with her husband and two young children, told them of her plans, and requested their support. Then she laid it on the line. Some things would have to change around the house if she was going to handle this new role, and take care of the children and manage the household. The rest of the family would have to take more responsibility in meal preparation (including school lunches), kitchen cleanups, making beds, vacuuming and laundry.

I can't say that her family cheered with excitement at the prospect of doing household chores. But they did agree that they'd had it pretty easy and that it was only fair that they now share the load. One could summarize the formula that was successful here as: Communication, Consideration, and Cooperation.

Sometimes that cooperation has to be coaxed along. I remember a patient who complained that she was forever asking her husband to do things around the house. She would have liked him to take the initiative on his own. However, to his credit, once directed, he was unfailingly cooperative and willing to pitch in. He needed direction more than prodding.

At first, delegating to children involves instruction and periodic reminders. But, if the teaching begins early, children not only learn to be good helpers, they also learn the importance of taking responsibility and sharing in the work of an organized household. Usually, they feel pleased that they can help and make a contribution - (at least when they're young, that is!).